Understanding Self-Sabotage: The Role of Acting Out Anger
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Understanding Self-Sabotage: The Role of Acting Out Anger
Here at BAAM, we understand how natural a human emotion anger is – a response to perceived threats or injustices. However, there can be a line when anger becomes such a driving force behind all our behaviour, that it serves to be primarily a committed act of self-sabotage. Particularly when acting out our anger is the dominant behaviour in our lives. For clarity sake, let’s define ‘acting out’ which comes from the English language meaning that ‘someone would act something out when they don’t have the words to say it in language.’ The message becomes behavioural, because it can’t be verbal. This essentially means that a person would be portraying emotional needs and dynamics through behaviours that they don’t quite have the language to express it with yet.
We encounter this behaviour on a daily basis. Where we allow ‘feelings that are beneath the surface’ to drive behaviour, for example – driving too fast or too recklessly; speaking harshly to someone who has nothing to do with the event; spending hours ruminating about something we can’t actually change; punishing someone with the silent treatment, using addictive substances to shift our state or being overly snappy.
Whilst adults use this behaviour all the time, perhaps even more so children – who most definitely would not be able to find language to express (let alone define) their internal experience. For example, a child may become clingy because she feels unsettled by the arrival of a new sibling. Or a young person who becomes aggressive or withdrawn because of problems at home or at school. The feelings underneath are “leaking out” and we may show understanding more readily towards children for not being able to express themselves verbally more often – a skill still in development.
And so it is when anger is perpetually the only emotion you get from an adult. Anger is so very often a mask feeling – covering an underlying hurt, rejection, injustice, sadness or deep loss. The reason why so many people default to expressing their anger so easily is because momentarily it gives them the feeling that they’re in control – that power rush of adrenalin and power over another convinces them they still have a handle on things. Of course, losing control of yourself is not exactly being in control, but that’s a story for another time!
However, when we experience someone acting their anger out all the time – perpetually putting themselves and the people around them through endless cycles of distress and emotional turmoil – we have to look a bit deeper at what self-feedback loop they’re giving themselves. So, let’s examine how anger and self-sabotage become linked.
The Undermining Nature of Anger
At its core, self-sabotage occurs when individuals undermine their goals and values and anger can, most certainly, compel us to act in ways contrary to our best interests. When anger is unexamined or mismanaged or lacking in any self-reflection, it shifts from being a protective mechanism to a self-destructive behaviour. This transition often happens subliminally, making it even more challenging to address.
Acting out anger may involve verbal outbursts, aggressive or passive aggressive behaviours or just plain stubborn resistance – perhaps experienced by the other as a total lack of co-operation. None of these behaviours ultimately serve ourselves, the people around us or contribute to connection – which is to say we deny ourselves the joy of healthy relationships. This has a huge consequence in our lives since how else do we go through life without the support of each other? In healthy relationships, the stress of life becomes mitigated by the shared love, care and connection between people. That’s why people in healthy marriages tend to live longer and be happier especially as we grow older. But people who persistently use their anger to control their environment, by either criticizing their family members or picking fights with any stranger – are actively destroying the very fabric of what makes human life bearable – each other. In every act of verbal violence they deny themselves the possibility of true connection, compassion, kindness, support and intimacy. On some level, they know it too – internally that inner critic is harshest towards themselves – and before they know it, they have destroyed any measure of a bridge possible back to connection. It’s desperate, sad, profoundly lonely and devastating – not only for themselves but for the people around them witnessing the gradual forced isolation eat away at their soul. It’s like a slow emotional suicide. At the end of the day, the question to ask is – at what cost does the need to always be right, become worth it? If you think it’s an impossible situation, remember human beings are capable of turning just about anything around. It’s a question of identity. Who could you become if you weren’t so identified or attached to the angry one?
Emotional Impact on Ourselves
Once the avalanche of acting anger out is laid to bare, it often fosters a persistent cycle of guilt and shame. Despite the immediate sense of power and release from dumping one’s anger, the aftermath of regret, shame and deafening self-criticism only serves to annihilate the individual’s self-esteem. And this is where examining the compulsion to vent one’s anger could possibly be more observed as need to punish oneself. This internal conflict can often prove to be so painful that it fuels further outrage, creating a vicious cycle and perpetuating the self-sabotage.
The emotional toll also manifests in heightened stress and anxiety. Remaining in a state of anger and internal conflict with oneself elevates cortisol levels—the body’s primary stress hormone—which, over time, can contribute to serious physical health issues including heart disease. Furthermore, recognising damaged relationships and missed opportunities can amplify feelings of loneliness, deep grief and despair.
Emotional Impact on Others
It’s no wonder what a huge impact unexamined anger has on the individual and those around them. It creates a ripple effect of emotional distress for family members, friends, and colleagues who witness or endure such behaviour. They may feel hurt, fearful, or alienated, eroding trust and communication. They may also carry resentment, frustration, or sadness, which – if there is no platform of safety or trust to air their feelings – can undermine the foundation of relationships even further. Over time, this leads to estrangement or ongoing conflict, further isolating the individual who struggles with anger and creating a disconnect between people. It is particularly challenging for young children to bear witness and to hold since they will lack the healthy role modelling of how to manage difficult feelings as well as the safety necessary for them to bring their own vulnerabilities to their parents – leaving them profoundly isolated and prone to outside negative influence from the unfolding emotional void.
Breaking the Cycle
Recognising and acknowledging the problem is the first step towards change. Your anger is trying to tell you something and bringing a mind of curiosity will only help to undo the shackles that anger ties people behind. It is possible to learn the skills that help identify the triggers that provoke anger and to explore the underlying issues driving it. Someone once said, “My mind is like a bad neighbourhood; I tend not to go there on my own”. Seeking professional support through therapy or counselling or an anger management course will show you you’re not alone in this area and give useful tools to manage anger consciously and constructively.
Ultimately, you have to ask yourself – how much longer are you willing to keep undermining the life you’ve always wanted? As Esther Perel so succinctly states, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives” and destructive toxic anger does not fuel quality or connection. The next time you feel the urge to suddenly act your anger out, consider what part of you are you sabotaging or avoiding and instead of venting, attend.