Setting Healthy Boundaries

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You might be wondering why it would be necessary to consider the role boundaries play in our lives. No doubt, an often over-looked or under-estimated aspect to maintaining healthy relationships.

Boundaries are the lines you draw to define what you’re comfortable with in your relationships – be that at work, at home or in your friendships. They are the silent lines that define what’s okay for you in relation to your own needs and value system whilst simultaneously considering another’s. Instead of building a wall of defence, you can co-create a healthy and safe space where you can both arrive and feel appreciated.

Brene Brown, researcher and author says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
When you set healthy boundaries, you’re saying, “This is who I am, and this is what I need.” It’s a way to keep a relationship balanced, respectful, and fulfilling for all parties.

Examples of some boundaries include:

• physical contact (e.g. not feeling comfortable hugging a stranger)
• verbal communications (e.g. not being insulted, criticised or diminished)
• personal/private space (e.g. choosing to not have others in your home when you aren’t there)
• Time (e.g. requiring private time or respecting time arrangements with others)

Fundamentally they fall into a handfull of categories:

• emotional (protecting our own emotional well-being)
• physical (protecting our physical space)
• sexual (protecting our needs and safety sexually)
• workplace (protecting our ability to perform our work without interference, bullying or drama)
• material (protecting our personal belongings)
• time (protecting the use, and misuse, of our time)

In fact, seeing it outlined above only shows how crucial it is to emotional and psychological well-being. As human beings we are continuously navigating relationships by reading – or more often than not – mis-reading people’s subtle signals of boundary setting. However, the lack of clearly defined boundaries can lead to drained energies, strained relationships, and diminished self-esteem. This is particularly true for relationships with those closest to us—family members, friends, and significant others.

How will you know when it’s time to set boundaries?
It can be especially difficult to notice when your boundaries have been crossed particularly if you tend to be conflict avoidant or like to keep the peace. There could be a range of complex issues going on there that might make it all too easy for you to drop the issue. However, over time you might find yourself feeling drained, frustrated, or even resentful towards someone without fully understanding why.

Curiously, this is where anger becomes your friend. Those signs of resentment, frustration, or anger at the subtle and even not-so-subtle violations on your life are indicators that a boundary has been crossed – and it’s time to set them.

You could think of it as a radar system scanning for foreign missile attacks – anger alerts you to boundary violations in your life. Once you understand this, the trick is to learn how to communicate effectively re-instating the boundary and not just dumping your anger, rage and fury. Often-times, people don’t even recognise that it was a boundary crossed in the first-place – they jump to simply dumping their anger – and no-one learns anything.

Other signs that you might need to establish boundaries include if you constantly feel you’re giving more than you’re receiving or if you feel you’re compromising your own needs and values for the sake of the relationship. It can show up in feeling disrespected, unheard, or like you’re losing yourself. Trust your gut – if something doesn’t feel right, it’s worth exploring why and considering whether a boundary could help.

Remember, healthy boundaries foster respect and understanding. They clarify responsibilities, prevent resentment, and decrease conflict. They also empower individuals, reinforcing the idea that one’s needs and feelings are valid and worthy of respect. This creates healthy, nurturing relationships.

 

It’s useful to spend some time reflecting on what your needs, values, limits, and triggers are — Ask yourself: What makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed? What behaviours can you not tolerate? Where do you feel others overstep their bounds? Think of situations that irritated you and then investigate if a boundary was crossed. If it’s difficult, tune into your body and sense what was uncomfortable and ask yourself, what would you have preferred.

Being clear about these aspects provides a road map for identifying where boundaries need to be established or strengthened. It is also a way to honor your personal well-being and to communicate more effectively with others.

2. Open Communication

Effective communication is fundamental to setting healthy boundaries, particularly with those we hold dear. Having a conversation about boundaries may feel uncomfortable initially, but a necessary step towards mutual respect and understanding.
Approach the conversation with clarity and calmness. Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when you call me several times during my workday. Can we agree to speak in the evenings instead where I feel I could give you my full attention?” This method ensures that your loved ones do not feel attacked and are more likely to understand and respect your boundaries. Remember, attacking someone as a way to assert yourself is dis-respecting the other person’s sense of safety and personal space. It doesn’t work.

3. Consistency

Consistency is key to reinforcing boundaries. Once you’ve communicated your limits, it’s important to consistently uphold them. This is especially crucial in relationships with those close to us because they may need time to adjust to the new boundary.
If a boundary is crossed, address it promptly. Respectfully remind the person of the boundary you’ve set. For example, “Remember, we agreed to discuss family issues during our weekly calls, not when I’m at work.” Consistent reinforcement helps remind others of your limits and signals that you are serious about maintaining them.
In many ways, boundary work is understanding that you are responsible for holding your boundaries with someone else. Your boundaries are yours to keep, communicate, and honor.
At the same time, relationships and people evolve, so may your boundaries. Just another reason to find a way to keep the lines of communication open.

4. Flexibility

While consistency is important, so is flexibility. Life is dynamic, and situations can change, requiring an adjustment of needs. For instance, if a loved one suddenly falls ill, the dynamics of a relationship will change dramatically and certain personal needs may have to be put on hold while going through a crisis. In fact, it’s probably one of the more challenging dynamics to navigate in life; especially if someone sees themselves as independent – asking for help may mean losing their sense of independence and offering it can feel tricky as a result. Where to give help or offer space is an interesting line to walk. When in doubt, ask – and don’t take it personally.
Remember, everything is temporary, and the natural flux and flow of a relationship will eventually find its balance. It’s more important to recognise when you may need additional support and not to be resistant in finding it.

5. Self-Care
Prioritizing self-care is non-negotiable when it comes to boundary setting. Regularly taking time to do things that nurture your mental, emotional, and physical health reaffirms the importance of your well-being. This not only makes it easier to set and maintain boundaries but also serves as a real-time example to others of your commitment to self-respect and self-love.
Your best friend when it comes to self-care is learning to say no. People who tend to self-sacrifice for the benefit of the relationship or family will find it hard to assert themselves. However, if something is asked of you that goes against your principles, disrespects your time, or forces you to sacrifice something important, it really is okay to say no. You can keep it simple – no is no. You do not need to explain yourself or justify your reasons.
Be especially wary if someone mocks or undermines your requests. If it is important to you, it’s important so keep consistent in re-inforcing your boundary.

6. Seek Support
If there is a history of emotional manipulation in a relationship, boundary setting may be particularly difficult to keep having to assert – most especially in high volatile relationships. Anger can often be used as a way to dominate and control an environment. Remember, a boundary could be that you expect kindness and loving communication. If you feel your partner uses unjustified anger or talks to you in a disrespectful or diminishing tone, you are within your right to remove yourself from the scenario and that you will return to the conversation when it can come from a place of respect.
If this becomes an ongoing challenge, you may require additional support. This could come from a therapist, counselor, or support group. Keep it professional; friends are great but it is not their role to hold you accountable to your own issues. It is always helpful to have an objective perspective when dealing with complex relationships. Therapy, counseling or personal development programmes give you insight into what’s driving the behaviour and people need a safe space to explore this that professionals offer. Gaining insight from their experience opens up your inner world to healthier coping mechanisms.

7. Respecting Others’ Boundaries

Respect is reciprocal. Just as you set boundaries, it is important to respect the boundaries of others. In healthy relationships a culture of trust and appreciation is apparent. When a boundary has been presented, honor it without argument or resentment. Understand that boundaries are not about rejection; they are about self-preservation and respect. Vulnerability should not be demanded. In a healthy relationship it is cultivated. You should never feel pressured to open up about a difficult topic in any stage of your relationship. Vulnerability is a mutual experience where both parties provide a safe space for sharing.