Covert Abuse: Unseen Harm and Its Lasting Effects
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Covert abuse is a profoundly manipulative form of psychological and emotional harm, often hidden from view and challenging for victims to identify. Unlike overt abuse, which is explicit and frequently physical, covert abuse is subtle, disguised, and insidious. It typically manifests through passive-aggressive behaviour, gaslighting, silent treatment, or backhanded compliments—all intended to diminish the victim’s self-worth and manipulate their perception of reality. Although it may not leave visible scars, covert abuse inflicts significant psychological and emotional damage that can last a lifetime.
Understanding Covert Abuse
Covert abuse often occurs in relationships where there’s a power imbalance, whether in personal, familial, social, or workplace dynamics. What makes it particularly damaging is its discreet nature. Abusers often present a façade of kindness or selflessness (particularly in public) yet privately use manipulative tactics that leave victims feeling isolated, uncertain, and diminished. This jekyll-and-hyde behaviour solidifies the victim’s sense of isolation, because they either think or experience that no-one will believe their version of events behind closed doors.
Gaslighting is a common mechanism used whereby an abuser causes the victim to doubt their own perceptions, memories, or even sanity. The abuser may deny certain events happened or suggest that the victim is overreacting, causing them to question their reality. Over time, this can foster profound self-doubt, insecurity, and an erosion of trust in one’s judgement. Blame is frequently used to accuse the victim that if they didn’t behave in a certain way, the abuser wouldn’t feel the need to react in the way that they do. Accountability is often severely lacking in abuser’s behaviour and victim’s are often made to feel responsible for creating disharmony by attempting to hold them accountable.
More information on Gaslighting: https://www.angermanage.co.uk/gaslighting-understanding-its-forms-and-impact/
https://www.angermanage.co.uk/gaslighting-and-anger-what-you-need-to-know/
Passive-aggressive behaviour is another common form of covert abuse. Here, hostility is expressed indirectly. Abusers may employ backhanded compliments, withhold affection through silent treatment, or subtly sabotage the victim’s efforts, all while maintaining plausible deniability. This ambiguity makes it incredibly difficult for victims to confront the abuse, leaving them feeling trapped and confused.
The Consequences of Covert Abuse
The effects of covert abuse are as harmful as those of more overt forms despite being less obvious. Many victims endure this type of abuse for extended periods, unaware of what’s truly happening. This prolonged exposure can have severe, lasting impacts on mental health and emotional well-being.
- Deterioration of Self-Esteem
One of the most damaging effects of covert abuse is the gradual erosion of self-esteem. Persistent manipulation, gaslighting, and passive-aggressive behaviour can leave victims feeling inadequate, unworthy, or even “crazy.” Over time, these negative messages may become internalised, causing victims to believe they are fundamentally flawed. In order to cope, they ‘shut-down’ and people may experience them as being withdrawn, depressed or unsure of themselves. - Chronic Anxiety and Stress
Victims of covert abuse often live with chronic anxiety, feeling as though they’re walking on eggshells. The unpredictability of the abuser’s behaviour keeps them in a heightened state of stress, which can lead to physical symptoms like fatigue, headaches, increased blood pressure, depression and even panic attacks. Health issues arise as the body tries to cope with the increased levels of cortisol from severe and prolonged stress. - Isolation and Loneliness
Covert abusers often isolate their victims by undermining their relationships or making them feel as though no one else would understand or believe their experiences. As a result, victims may withdraw from friends and family, leading to profound loneliness and a diminished support network. A sense of shame dominates their experience of self and can be profoundly damaging. - Emotional Confusion
Covert abuse is marked by an alternating pattern of kindness and cruelty, creating emotional confusion for the victim. This “push-pull” dynamic keeps them emotionally unsteady, hoping the abuser’s “good side” will prevail. Unfortunately, this cycle only deepens the psychological grip the abuser holds. It also creates an addiction to the enormous relief and ‘high’ created when that affection arrives (often deliberately exaggerated) as the victim feels a reprieve from the punishment. It is an effective way of keeping the victim destabilised since there seems to be a ‘good side’ to the abuser; and so they remain in the relationship. However, in healthy relationships – there is never any need to control or manipulate someone to make them stay. Respect, care and dignity are fundamental requirements to healthy relationships. - Difficulty Trusting Others
After enduring covert abuse, victims often struggle to trust others and even themselves. Constant manipulation erodes their ability to trust their instincts and others’ intentions, leading them to question motives and fear further manipulation. This is the true impact of the abuse – where the victim begins to gaslight themselves, internalising the years of undermining criticism.
Steps Toward Healing
Healing from covert abuse is a gradual process that often requires self-compassion and professional support. Recognising the abuse is the essential first step, allowing victims to reclaim their sense of reality and self-worth. Therapy can provide a safe environment for victims to process their experiences, rebuild their self-esteem, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. It is essential that the victim understands that they were not responsible for their abuser’s behaviour – despite being blamed for years for it. It is important to differentiate what they are responsible for and to recognise they were, in fact, a victim to someone else’s coercive behaviour. There may be roots in their past that has left them vulnerable to tolerating abusive behaviour and to leaving them feeling even more insecure. However, with guided insight from a professional and encouragement to experience healthy relationships, it is possible to re-frame these experiences and go on to live healthier emotional lives.
Creating distance from the abuser—whether temporarily or permanently—is often necessary for recovery. Setting boundaries can be crucial for protecting oneself from future manipulation and harm. Support from friends, family, or specialised support groups can help victims regain a sense of connection and community, providing the social support they may have lost. It is through healthy reflection from healthy-minded individuals that the sense of shame victims experience from the breakdown of their relationships, the feeling that everything was their fault or even the sense of shame of remaining in an abusive relationship – for whatever reason – burdens them. Being seen, recognised and valued for how much they have held and endured is truly liberating; quite literally the antithesis of the suppressed need an abuser demands.
Covert abuse certainly leaves hidden wounds. However, a slow and considered approach to understanding and addressing it opens a pathway to reclaiming control over one’s life. With time, care, and resilience, victims can overcome the effects of covert abuse and rediscover a sense of peace and self-assurance. Remember, peace of mind is truly priceless and nothing or no-one should ever compromise that. If you feel you could be in an abusive relationship where coercive behaviour is used to control your freedom of mind or movement, please seek help here:
Other ways to get support:
- women can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support
- talk to a doctor, health visitor or midwife
- men can call Respect Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010 327 (Monday to Friday 10am to 8pm), or visit the webchat at Men’s Advice Line (Wednesday 10am to 11:30am and 2pm to 4pm) for non-judgemental information and support
- men can also call ManKind on 0182 3334 244 (Monday to Friday, 10am to 4pm)
- if you identify as LGBT+ you can call Galop on 0800 999 5428 for emotional and practical support
- anyone can call Karma Nirvana on 0800 5999 247 (Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm) for forced marriage and honour crimes. You can also call 020 7008 0151 to speak to the GOV.UK Forced Marriage Unit
- in an emergency, call 999
You can also email for support. It is important that you specify when and if it is safe to respond and to which email address:
- women can email helpline@womensaid.org.uk. Staff will respond to your email within 5 working days
- men can email info@mensadviceline.org.uk (Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm)
- LGBT+ people can email help@galop.org.uk
The Survivor’s Handbook from the charity Women’s Aid is free and provides information for women on a wide range of issues, such as housing, money, helping your children, and your legal rights.
If you’re worried that you are behaving abusively in your relationship, call the free Respect Phoneline on 0808 802 4040.