Before You Really Know Kindness
Short on time? Take a moment to give the audio recording of this blog post a quick listen.
Some people are born kind by nature. It’s a beautiful thing. And yet, there are people I’ve met who seem to hold a certain gravity of kindness; they’re the ones who have earned it.
That may sound sad, but dig a little deeper and there’ll be something that they’ve had to confront in their live’s that has brought deep suffering. They’ve had to wrestle with it – whatever it is – and face their own limitations, along with a deep sense of failure or powerlessness. In the fire of that engagement, they develop an inward capacity to perceive life from a different place. Less judgemental. More human. More understanding of the fallibility of the human experience. More hope and more commitment to peace.
In fact, peace becomes non-negotiable.
One could argue (pun unintended) that one of the most punishing human experiences to deal with is anger. Both for the person in it as much as the person receiving it! In fact, the angry person feels immediately better for the surge in adrenaline – it’s an instant feel-STRONG factor – but does not speak to the comedown afterwards. The shame, the guilt, the remorse (if, indeed, the person can feel remorse).
Equally, the person being dumped on will take over a week to recover from the toxicity of another’s anger or rage directed at them. You spike their stress hormones as much as your own.
Not to mention the other consequences – the breakdown in relationships, at work or at home, the loss of trust and connection. The destruction of intimacy.
Kindness as an Emotional Strength
Guru Ram Das once said, “To be truly kind is an act of belief.”
Never a truer word said. It’s the ability to keep your heart open regardless of the circumstances. It’s not about being nice, pleasant or having good manners; It’s believing in the inherent worth of another person, even when that worth is difficult to see.”
That takes real work, real effort. It’s very far from easy. It’s not about having power over. It’s not about being right or winning no matter what. True kindness is not weakness. It’s not passive, silent, or invisible.
Real kindness takes real courage.
To keep your heart open when life knocks you down or
When people let you down.
When your partner doesn’t understand you.
When your children turn you away.
When shame says, “Shut it down.”
When anger tells you to strike.
By comparison, anyone can rise to anger. Anyone can sour or righteously hold their own against the world!
But to stay open… to stay present… to choose to still be compassionate in the face of anger, grief, fear and pain – most especially towards oneself – takes considerable strength. And practice.
Most people are kind when they feel like it. In other words, have you ever noticed how easy it is to be kind, generous, and compassionate towards someone you like?
The deeper teaching here is that true kindness is a conscious choice.
You can choose compassion even when:
- you’re angry.
- you’ve been hurt,
- you’re disappointed.
- or you feel someone doesn’t deserve it.
That choice is based on belief rather than emotion, and it’s transformative.
Transformation & Anger
You may feel as angry as you wish, but it is also possible to express kindness. One of the transformative understandings in an anger management programme is that you can feel a multitude of feelings all at once. You can be happy and sad at the same time. Feel powerful and hold some shame or fear simultaneously. We are complex human beings with great capacity. We don’t have to narrow ourselves down to only one way of being.
Kindness doesn’t take the anger out of you.
It changes it. It reminds you that every human being is carrying a story, a wound, a struggle you may not know anything about. It allows you to pause before you react. Precious time to allow you to gain a broader perspective.
You may offer a gesture of kindness and still be rejected or misunderstood. Your kindness may not be appreciated at all or even returned.
And that’s the point; to continue being kind anyway requires belief—that kindness itself has value regardless of the outcome.
This is where kindness becomes a way of life.
Kindness is not something you do once in a while. It becomes a way of life. A steady strength. A deliberate choice. A daily act of faith to keep your heart open, whatever happens in life. The lens with which you view the world.
If you only show kindness to people who deserve it, that’s a transaction.
If you show kindness to someone who is struggling, you are acting on the belief that they are more than their worst behaviour.
And we are all certainly always more than our worst behaviour.
Getting Support
If this message resonates with you, this is something that can be understood and changed with the right support — especially when anger or emotional intensity makes it difficult to stay open and grounded.
Mike Fisher can conduct a structured first assessment to help you:
- Identify the triggers that provoke your reactions
- Understand the roots of reactive anger
- Learn stronger emotional regulation skills
- Learn how to stay open without being overwhelmed